Posted by: webbhouston | December 1, 2008

Guess how much I love you…

Calvin my sleeping baby

Calvin my sleeping baby

Everyone once in a while all mothers get their sense of guilt and are pained by past events or feelings.

Today is one of those days for me. I have my ups and downs and my feelings of inadequate mothering on a regular basis. I think it keeps me honest. It makes me keep trying.

And here… I will list where I believe that I have failed as a parent. Well those that I can think of off of the top of my head, I am sure there are more.

  • Not getting my post partum depression diagnosed fast enough after I had Kate.
  • Letting myself get to a point where I was creating stress for myself and my family because of my mental state.
  • Getting pregnant so soon after she was born so my milk dried up and she couldnt get breastmilk as long as I wanted her to get it. She is getting it again now but she didnt get it for a while. We had to do soy.
  • The above mentioned pregnancy brought tons of other things along with it: Not being able to wear her/carry her as much as I felt she needed. I still did it but less than she asked.
  • Feeding Kate solids too early – while we did wait the recommended time I believe her allergies to dairy could have been mitigated if we would have waited longer. This might not be true but I can beat myself up for it right?
  • Not realizing soon enough that she did in fact have allergies to dairy. Her “colic” and crying would have not been necessary if I had been paying more attention to her signs.
  • The awful, painful, and bleeding rashes when she started solids because we gave her dairy products that she did not react well to could have also been avoided if I had been paying more attention to her signs. They didnt last more than a couple days but they could have been avoided. Period.
  • Working too many hours at my last job. I saw nothing wrong with working from home after putting in my 40 hours and working more hours than I should have had to. It was unhealthy and I ignored my family. Nothing is worth that. Thankfully that is over now.
  • Resenting my husband for being able to spend more time with her because I have to take care of the little bitty one so much.
  • Not being patient enough with our Katherine because she is so spirited.
  • Putting too much pressure on her to be potty trained early.
  • Not taking enough time to enjoy her being little and wanting her to grow up fast.
  • Giving Calvin the love and attention that I should have given Kate at her age but couldnt because I was so depressed and working so hard.
  • Letting money take a front seat to my family.
  • Wanting to tackle motherhood like I did my college assignments, something that I could just do in my spare time.
  • Not having a college fund for either one of them.
  • Not planning either one of them.
  • Being so clueless and unprepared.
  • Hoping that I would wake up one day and they would be gone and I could have my single life back again.
  • Being an imperfect mother

The list… it could go on and on.

I adore my children. I look at their little faces in awe still because they have given new meaning and direction to my life. They have helped forge the person that I am, along with their father… whom I adore and along with my own personal experiences. I was in college for a long time and I tackled everything the same way, with my head… with brains and with logic. Being a parent sometimes has no logic and makes no sense. Having a child changes so much because it is so primal that it turns you into something that you might not even recognize. I strive to not lose myself within the monster that is motherhood and I think that I do a good job of making sure that I take care of myself as a person so that I can be a good mother.  But once in a while the pangs of guilt hit me again and I start to wonder if really my children deserved a mother better than I am… because I am obviously so faulty in that aspect that it burns.

My little girl

My little girl

I dont know if I am a good mother or not honestly… but I try. I work every day, some days harder than others, but at least a little bit every day.  I hope that they understand that even as a mom, I make mistakes and that I will do things that might not be in their best interest… without knowing it. Never on purpose, but I will do it… I know it. But even with all of that, I love them and I always will.

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